


7 Hottest Worm Trends for [Year]

by indefensibleselfindulgence



Series: 15 Totally Terrific Tips To Texting... TODAY! [3]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Typical Weirdness, Chatting & Messaging, Embedded Images, Epistolary, F/F, F/M, M/M, Manipulation, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 19:30:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20441303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indefensibleselfindulgence/pseuds/indefensibleselfindulgence
Summary: 🌀: bOuGhT a FrIeNd A fIrE eXtInGuIsHeR. hE wAs De-LiGhTeD.Jonathan Sims: I don't know if I'm more mad about you kidnapping my employee or about that atrocity.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> they are technically connected so if you've not seen the last two parts you might be like a little lost
> 
> also this is the first time i've bumped into two of the same avatars talking to each other so 🍃 is simon fairchild 
> 
> who knows how to make jokes btw

Martin: Hey don't mean to impose, could you pick up the creamer for the break room?

Tim: isn't this something that's supposed to be provided?

Martin: Oh- There's creamer- It's just. Very bad.

Tim: that cheap french vanilla shit?

Martin: Mmhm.

Tim: yeah sure.

Tim: wait, do you even drink coffee?

Martin: Well, no. But Sasha does. And Jon sometimes.

Tim: oh thank god.

Martin: What?

Tim: you went five minutes with out mentioning the boss.

Tim: i was sure prentiss got you again.

Martin: Oh fuck off Tim.

Tim:** :p**

* * *

🌩: Oh my god. Stop.

🍃: too good for Hand Written Invitations are we?

🌩: You send me one once a week. It's lost the pizzaz. It's lost the flavor.

🍃: you say this as if I have other people to go sky diving with

🌩: Of course you do! Everyone! Everyone is into free skydiving! Just don't bother asking first!

🍃: it's not the same with them

🍃: they just don't Get It

🌩: Oh my god.

🍃: you can even invite that cute Dead boy

🌩: Oh My God.

🍃: don't feel like you have to pretend for me

🌩: Stop. I'm begging you to stop.

🍃: all i'm saying is i Posed Nude for a lot of painters during the golden years

🌩: No one calls it that. Stop telling me about your childhood flings with Italians.

🍃: some of them were German.

🍃: and Flemish.

🍃: and there was this one Dutch boy.

🌩: Wait.

🍃: sure a bit Spiral for my taste but there's really nothing wrong with that either

🌩: Wait.

🍃: oh, Spiral's a sore spot for you huh

🍃: memory does Go first

🍃: something to look Forward too

🍃: well ignore that I Suppose but really, cross fear is totally acceptable.

🌩: You're exhausting.

🍃: i'm sure some people would argue but everyone does it Eventually

🍃: look at Peter Lukas.

🌩: They divorced like ten times.

🍃: but he keeps coming back to him, Doesn't He?

* * *

Sasha: I might be a little late today.

Jonathan Sims: Don't worry about it.

Sasha: Cheers.

* * *

👧: ლ(●ↀωↀ●)ლ so excited so excited so excited

🐛: HHHAAAHHHAAAHHHAAA WWWHHHYYY

🧒🏻: (ٛ⁎꒪̕ॢ ˙̫ ꒪ٛ̕ॢ⁎) why they say!!!

🐛: OOOHHH TTTHHHEEE RRRIIITTTUUUAAALLL

🧒🏾: (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞ i'm so excited i can barely stand it!!!

🐛: BBBUUUTTT IIITTTSSS NNNOOOTTT EEEVVVEEENNN YYYOOOUUURRRSSS

👦🏾: i know!!! that's what makes it stressful. but if you need ANYTHING ᕕ༼✿•̀︿•́༽ᕗ

🐛: HHHAAAHHHAAA IIILLL AAASSSKKK YYYOOOUUU FFFIIIRRRSSSTTT

👧🏼: ♪～(◔◡◔ิ)人(╹◡╹๑)～♪

🐛: WWWHHHIIICCCHHH OOONNNEEE IIISSS MMMEEE

👦🏿: the cute one ♫ ┌༼ຈل͜ຈ༽┘ ♪

* * *

Jonathan Sims: Hey.

🌀: hEy

Jonathan Sims: Are you-

Jonathan Sims: **[Is Typing]**

Jonathan Sims: You know what. Never mind. I was going to ask you something stupid. It doesn't matter.

🌀: lMaO sUrE

* * *

🍃: anyway, Enough about me

🍃: invite the cute Dead boy

🍃: it's so Romantic

🍃: the view Alone

🌩: Okay, first of all, we're just friends. Second of all, even if we weren't, I don't need dating tips from you.

🍃: Debatable.

🌩: Third of all. Even if I was gay, and even if Oliver was interested, and even if I asked him out on a date.

🍃: phenomenal hypotheticals lad.

🌩: What on Earth makes you think I'd invite you along?

🍃: hmm.

🍃: if i was a Lesser man, i would say something like

🍃: how dare You

🍃: my Own son

🌩: We're not related.

🍃: but! instead!

🍃: i can just point out the Space station i own

🍃: and call it a Day

* * *

  
Jonathan Sims: Elias, call an exterminator. This is getting ridiculous.

Elias Bouchard: Jon, don't be ridiculous. You want to involve more humans with Prentiss' worms?

Jonathan Sims: I'm not even talking about the worms, which I would argue proves my point beyond all reason.

Elias Bouchard: What are you talking about then?

Jonathan Sims: I had to kill three spiders today Elias. Three.

Elias Bouchard: Yes, you're very brave Jon. I'm very proud.

Jonathan Sims: Are you in your office?

Elias Bouchard: No where else in the world I'd rather be, Jon.

* * *

🕸️: hey oli

🕸️: no hard feelings right?

🕸️: we're still buds?

🕸️: still friends?

🕸️: still tight?

⚰️: Was that a pun

🕸️: it's not fun if you point it out kid

🕸️: keep up

🕸️: anyway listen, friend

🕸️: buddy

🕸️: pal

⚰️: What do i have to do to make this stop

🕸️: lmao thats the spirit

🕸️: could you be a doll and swing by the watcher's place?

⚰️: I'm not even in London

🕸️: so cute, i swear

🕸️: yeah you are.

🕸️: turn around bff

⚰️: Is it poisonous?

🕸️: i want you to look at that question

🕸️: think about who you sent it to

⚰️: What do you want

🕸️: just bring a box of lovers over

⚰️: A box of what

🕸️: i picked some little buddies out special

🕸️: mated pairs

🕸️: to really make it last for like

🕸️: forever

🕸️: do you know how many eggs a cellar baby lays?

🕸️: like thirty

⚰️: You know you could higher literal delivery men right

🕸️: and if a box of lovers has like 100 of these bad boys

🕸️: you know my little dudes live pretty long?

⚰️: Fine

🕸️: fuck yeah

🕸️: you're so cool oli

⚰️: Delete my number

🕸️: already gone

* * *

: Are you concerned at all?

👁️: About what should I be concerned about? No please, tell me. God forbid there's a blind spot in my vision. Perish the thought.

: So you're aware of the situation?

👁️: Go ahead, I'm listening.

: ...I'm sure you're handling it.

👁️: Just like I handle everything else. By myself.

: Where did this bad mood even come from?

👁️: Well this sanctimonious prick texted me.

: You're allowed to pick your own Archivist.

👁️: If you were wondering what the divorce was about, it's this, we're here, we've arrived to the point.

: I'm not trying to condescend to you.

👁️: Spoken like someone about to start condescending.

: You're literally sitting on a nest, Elias.

👁️: Bold of you to assume I don't want it there.

* * *

Tim: are you still mad?

Martin: ...No.

Tim: great uh, good.

Martin: I'm sorry for snapping.

Tim: no, it was a shitty joke. Sasha already told me off.

Martin: Oh thank god. I was sure Prentiss got you.

Tim: fair.

Martin: Apologizing on your own? Really had me worried.

Tim: alright alright, yes yes, get it out.

Martin: I already got it out.

Tim: you're better than all of us Martin.

* * *

Sasha: Want to come over?

Tim: yeah sure.

Sasha: Bring some wine over, yeah?

Tim: long day?

Sasha: Oh, you wouldn't believe it.

Tim: try me.

Sasha: No, I mean, you literally wouldn't believe it.

Tim: really. try me. i'm down for anything.

Sasha: Yeah you are.

Tim: up top

Sasha: I'm already outside, Tim. I don't know how much higher you want me to get.

Tim: you have to come get me now actually i'm swooning too hard

Sasha: The things I do for casual work hookups.

* * *

🐛: RRREEEAAADDDYYY???

👦: d(-_^)

🐛: CCCAAANNN YYYOOOUUU SSSEEEEEE IIITTT

🧒🏻: (๑´ڡ`๑三๑´ڡ`๑)

🐛: CCCUUUTTTEEE

👧🏻: i'm nothing if not (ฅ⁍̴̀◊⁍̴́)و ̑̑

🐛: JJJUUUSSSTTT WWWAAAIIITTTIIINNNGGG

🧑🏿: ʅ(｡Ő౪Ő｡)ʃ

🐛: :::)))

👰🏻: hey wait listen if you're just burning time...☆⌒ヽ(´ε｀ )

🐛: ???

👰: burn some time with me (((*☣ω☣(ε◕* )))

🐛: HHHAAAHHHAAA OOOKKKAAAYYY

👰🏿: ღ꒡ ᴈ꒡)♡⃛(꒡ε ꒡ღ

* * *

Jonathan Sims: Stay away from any Michaels.

Martin: I don't think I know that many but I'll try my hardest too.

Jonathan Sims: Sasha had an experience earlier today.

Martin: Just one more thing to look out for.

Jonathan Sims: Stay safe tonight.

Martin: Will do. You too.

* * *

Martin: **[Screen Shot Sent]**

Martin: Oh my god.

Tim: wow.

Tim: when's the wedding?

Sasha: Don't be a dick, Tim.

Tim: i'm being sincerely supportive of our coworker and his weird crush on the boss who lowest key hates him.

Tim: how am I being a dick?

Sasha: Tim.

Martin: I think that's the nicest thing he's ever said to me.

Tim: and you've even got it saved for posterity.

Sasha: Oh Martin.

* * *

🍃: if you want to make it a double date, i've got Takers

🌩: I keep waiting for it to stop and it just doesn't.

🍃: you have to stay on “The Grind” as the kids Say

🌩: I can't believe I'm even entertaining this but who?

🍃: Peter's moping again.

🌩: No.

🍃: that's fine

🍃: didn't want to make out with him anyway

* * *

  
⚰️: Done

🕸️: someone should promote you

⚰️: Can I ask why you call them that

🕸️: my chums?

⚰️: Yeah

🕸️: well

🕸️: The Mother spins her webs and her Children are all upon them

⚰️: and

🕸️: i guess

🕸️: in this analogy

🕸️: i'm a college drop out turned baby sitter

🕸️: just to make ends meet

🕸️: my life is so hard

🕸️: so trying

⚰️: So it's bitter

🕸️: huh?

🕸️: haven't you been paying attention oli?

🕸️: they're great kids

* * *

  
🌀: yOu Up?

Jonathan Sims: Wholly and entirely against my will, but yes. Go ahead.

🌀: bOuGhT a FrIeNd A fIrE eXtInGuIsHeR. hE wAs De-LiGhTeD.

Jonathan Sims: **[Is Typing]**

Jonathan Sims: **[Is Typing]**

Jonathan Sims: **[Is Typing]**

Jonathan Sims: I don't know if I'm more mad about you kidnapping my employee or about that atrocity.

🌀: gotta love the hustle though


	2. Chapter 2

👩🏼: okay are you two ready ]*ΦωΦ)ノ  
  
🚚: yes ma'am  
  
📦: always have been  
  
👨🏿: that's fantastic and i want you to know if you mess this up for me you'll spend centuries finding all of your parts again ʘ̥ꀾʘ̥  
  
🚚: course boss  
  
📦: wouldn't dream of it boss  
  
👨🏽: great! so great! go do it! ( = ฅ^･_･^)= ฅ= ฅ= ฅ ฅ  
  
🚚: now?  
  
🧑🏻: yes now!( ͡⚆ ͜ʖ ͡⚆)  
  
📦: right now?  
  
👧🏾: five minutes ago! go! hurry up! hurry up!┌༼ ⊘ _ ⊘ ༽┐  
  
👩🏾: look its you two doing your job (○´∇｀)0～━┳━0(´∇｀●) not getting broken down for parts  
  
🚚: nifty isn't it hope  
  
📦: very nifty breakon  
  
👦: go!!!๛∙᷅῞ॄ∙᷄  


* * *

  
  
Jonathan Sims: I can't handle this anymore. Honestly I'm at my very conceivable limit Elias. Call an exterminator. Call anyone. Everywhere I look there are more spiders. Everywhere I step there are worms. This is absurd. Someone is going to condemn the building. I can't work in these conditions.  
  
Elias Bouchard: Are we quite done?  
  
Jonathan Sims: What are your donors going to say? Have you thought of that?  
  
Elias Bouchard: I take my donors out to lunch. What do you take me for?  
  
Jonathan Sims: You don't want me to answer that question, that much I can assure you.  
  
Elias Bouchard: Jon, you can think of this as a small trial.  
  
Jonathan Sims: Is my work not hard enough as it is? Between my predecessors atrocious filing system, either useless or distracted assistants, and now this?  
  
Elias Bouchard: I didn't think a few bugs would bother you so much. You're not scared of spiders are you?  
  
Jonathan Sims: Me?  
  
Elias Bouchard: Is there anyone else in this text conversation?  
  
Jonathan Sims: No. Not at all.  
  
Elias Bouchard: Then I don't see a single thing to complain about.  


* * *

  
👁️: Cut back on this it's ridiculous.  
  
🕸️: liar !  
  
🕸️: stop pretending.  
  
🕸️: everyone knows you like his whining.  
  
👁️: Do I want a dependent on me Archivist? Certainly. Do I want to have my phone die? Not at all.  
  
🕸️: then call him in a meeting  
  
🕸️: and send me a fruit basket  
  
🕸️: and don't be cheap with it either  
  
🕸️: dipped in chocolate or nothing.  
  
👁️: Since when do you even like sweets?  
  
🕸️: hurt, elias  
  
🕸️: aggrieved, elias  
  
🕸️: its like you don't know me at all, elias  
  
👁️: Funny.  
  
🕸️: i bill by the joke  
  
🕸️: pay my student loans for me  
  
👁️: If he ends up in my lap I'll think about it.  
  
🕸️: that's the spirit.

* * *

  
melanie: hey uh. this still your number?  
  
Georgie: Depends completely on who's asking  
  
melanie: melanie? we worked together for like five minutes?  
  
Georgie: Then yes this is still my number  
  
melanie: lol uh. yeah. so uh. weird. weird question. that's going to make me sound crazy. i'm not. i swear?  
  
Georgie: Haha no worries what can I do for you  
  
melanie: you kind of off handedly mentioned a- a consultation place i guess? for weird shit?  
  
Georgie: Oh yeah  
  
Georgie: Some weird shit happen to you  
  
melanie: i kind off got a little too into something- yes yes weird shit happened to me.  
  
Georgie: Who hasn't weird shit happened to  
  
Georgie: I can send you the address if you want?  
  
melanie: that would be so sweet of you  
  
Georgie: Anytime

* * *

* * *

  
  
: How much longer are you in your mood for?  
  
👁️: What mood?  
  
: Fine enough. I'm leaving tonight.  
  
👁️: What section of the ocean should I dredge when you drown?  
  
: Near India.  
  
👁️: Good for you.  
  
: I'll bring back a souvenir.  
  
👁️: I can get my souvenir at the corner shop, thank you.  
  
: Have they legalized it yet?  
  
👁️: You're so unbelievably dense sometimes.  
  
: I do spend a lot of time in graves.  
  
👁️: Did you break your arm on that stretch?  
  


* * *

  
Jonathan Sims: Well.  
  
🌀: well what Archivist?  
  
Jonathan Sims: Where is it?  
  
🌀: going to have to be slightly more specific.  
  
🌀: unless of course  
  
🌀: you're missing mY pUnS  
  
Jonathan Sims: God no.  
  
🌀: then what else could it be?  
  
🌀: do you want me to guess?  
  
🌀: i Do LoVe RidDiLeS  
  
Jonathan Sims: Nothing.  
  
🌀: not a very good riddle.  
  
Jonathan Sims: Nothing. Never mind. Stay away from me.  
  
🌀: rather hard to do when you message me first Archivist.  


* * *

  
🔥: nikola let me know you're going to pop yours ssoon  
  
🔥: you're obviously not going to bring us through  
  
🔥: laame of you btw  
  
🔥: but if you're fucking with the archivess make sure you obliterate elias  
  
🔥: you knoww for the rest of us  
  
🐛: OOOBBBVVVIIIOOOUUUSSSLLLYYY  
  
🐛: TTTHHHEEE DDDOOOLLLLLL SSSAAAYYYSSS HHHEEELLLOOOOOO JJJUUUDDDEEE  
  
🔥: tell her hi back  


* * *

  
  
🌩️: I can't believe the world is going to end soon.  
  
⚰️: It almost ends thirty times a day  
  
🌩️: We are all very excitable.  
  
⚰️: How have you been  
  
🌩️: Good, for the most part.  
  
⚰️: The most part  
  
🌩️: A friend of mine has been bothering me, you don't know him.  
  
⚰️: Probably not  
  
🌩️: Are you getting brought through?  
  
⚰️: When the world ends  
  
🌩️: Yeah. You're friends with them aren't you?  
  
⚰️: With Jane  
  
🌩️: Yeah.  
  
⚰️: We are but I doubt they'll remember in the moment  
  
🌩️: It is supposed to be kind of distracting.  
  
⚰️: So I've heard  
  
🌩️: They've got a lot of thoughts to remember you with though.  
  
⚰️: I'm kind of forgettable  
  
🌩️: You're the least forgettable guy I know.  
  
⚰️: Oh  


* * *

Sasha: Tim did Martin give you a new fire extinguisher?  
  
Tim: oh he sure did.  
  
Sasha: Oh Thank God you agree it's getting out of hand.  
  
Tim: i'm literally drowning in them. up to the neck. running out of air by the second. this is my last will and testament.  
  
Sasha: Am I getting anything?  
  
Tim: i'm leaving all of my monetary wealth to you, five pence candaian  
  
Sasha: Look at me, well and truly loaded.  
  
Tim: boss can have my office supplies, considering most of them are his already.  
  
Sasha: Generous.  
  
Tim: martin can have his fire extinguishers back, considering there's nothing but them remaining.  
  
Sasha: Sensible. Who gets the flat?  
  
Tim: repossessed by the city.  
  
Sasha: I always knew they would get you in the end.  
  
Tim: we can't all be financially independent.  
  
Sasha: I would never dream of implying you had to be.  
  
Tim: so lets hear it then. i showed you mine you pretty much have to show me yours back.  
  
Sasha: My will?  
  
Tim: well certainly not your will to live  
  
Sasha: :)  
  
Tim: did i get you?  
  
Sasha: Why are you asking, you know you did.  
  
Tim: the walls are pretty thin down here.  
  
Sasha: I don't have one.  
  
Tim: oh my god, look at me being the financially dependent one.  
  
Sasha: How the tables have swiveled.  
  
Tim: swiveled?  
  
Sasha: You can pretend to be smooth all you want with your lower case, I heard you laughing too.  
  
Tim: think boss is going to be mad anyone is happy down here?  
  
Sasha: Jon's not that bad.  
  
Tim: disagree to disagree  
  
Sasha: He really isn't.  
  
Tim: don't try to distract me from your lack of will young lady. if those aren't filled out in triplicate, watch out.  
  
Sasha: Your will is filled out in triplicate? On what? Safety tags on fire extinguishers?  
  
Tim: exactly!  
  
Sasha: We really do have too many of them.  
  
Tim: pay attention! it simply has to be triplicate. What if some look-a-like shows up at the will hearing? claiming that they're you, that you never even died, and they've got it in writing to prove it.  
  
Sasha: In writing to prove what?  
  
Tim: and while the government works are sorting this disaster out, the copysasha just burns your one will under the nose of everyone  
  
Sasha: Surely shredding would be easier.  
  
Tim: leave no trace  
  
Sasha: Of course.  
  
Tim: it's just thinking ahead.  
  
Sasha: But you'd tell them, wouldn't you?  
  
Tim: what if it's a very convincing copysasha  
  
Sasha: Hmm. Sounds like someone is planning on ditching my will reading.  
  
Tim: how dare you. do you really think i'd miss an opportunity to wear a mourning gown?  
  
Sasha: Ah, my mistake.  
  
Tim: i look so good in black.  
  
Sasha: You can just wear it whenever you like.  
  
Tim: but think of the drama. 

* * *

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> comments are always encouraged and very very very appreciated
> 
> find me on[ tumblr ](http://iamalivenow.tumblr.com/) and [ twitter](https://twitter.com/licotain)


End file.
